Exile: is a kind of hell or purgatory depending on its sentence. Remembering what once was, regrets, things done and left undone, sins, haunt the whole self: mind and body. Dreams haunted with accusations, unrest, reminders of past happiness, past sins, reminded of rejecting what had been offered, ignoring exhortation, confused how things were, blind to understanding everything outside of self. Led to rejecting and wanting to run away from everything. Driving the escape and the salvation. Driving 7000 miles. Bringing the broken, shipwrecked self along … a respite at the same time from stresses and distresses of familiarity.
Ever-seeking home. Elusive home. Waylaid, lost at sea, no place to return to, seeking renewed shores. The burden of freedom and making one’s own meaning an unbearable weight. Providence, a comfort, not a cage. Salvation or damnation not determined, yet in the midst of a shipwrecked person, even a shipwrecked world, Being cares and works within the world through grace– sending signs, angels, his will in embodied people. I have no answers, except I AM orders what has become disordered. The One Incarnated started the unravelling of the world and its disorder.
Although exiled, my own hope finite and failing; but teleological hope reminds of the divine plan to right all wrongs through a fiery love that consumes and renews all things. Exile, a state for now, until the Last Day. Until I can see.